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1. 

   Mygfhasdepression

   103 Kudos

   01/18/08

   Hi,
   
   Thank you for posting. So much of what you said IS HER. However, she is "getting help" but I don't think it's enough or the "right mix". She views her therapist as her friend- the one person she can turn to. She doesn't know where the love for me went she knows that she doesn't love me and I make her feel disgusted. I love her still, i did buy her a ring; but I am moving on with my life. I can't allow her to hurt me anymore. All I tried to do was be there for and love her and by doing so I pushed her away. I was scared to death bc of her suicidal thoughts (which she didnt share with me, but online in blogs). I did come across her journal where she said "sometimes it's all too much, I just want everyone to go away and sometimes I just don't give a damn about this life or my future."
   
   I wanted to thank you again for your post, words, and support. I don't know if I'll ever take her back as a friend or romantically in the future. But life is funny and sometimes lives cross paths again.
   

   01/22/08

   Reply from HesDepressedImSad:

   I remember when I was depressed, after I FINALLY got into therapy, almost every other sentence I would utter started with the words "My therapist said..." You would have thought she was my best friend, too! Honestly, in some ways, maybe she was. It was easier for me to tell her all sorts of things because I knew she was impartial and wouldn't judge. That's what I was paying for.
   
   You did NOT push her away because you loved her. Her illness made her run away because she does not have the capacity to participate. Of course, she probably can't admit that right now, either to herself or to you. Furthermore, I remember saying some terribly ugly things to my boyfriend when I was depressed. I was hurting so much, had so much pain, that I wanted somebody else to feel it instead of me. That makes no sense, I know, but back then...
   
   I don't know your girlfriend, so I don't know who she "really" is at her foundation. I don't know if she is a good, kind person or completely evil, or what. Perhaps you do. I know it hasn't helped me when my friends have said "he's an a$$hole" or even worse, about my DBF...because it isn't true. He is the best person I've ever met.
   
   The illness makes him do things I don't like, but I know the core is still there. I also know that my world is a better place when he's in it in any capacity, and when the day comes (hopefully when we are very gray and very old) that he leaves this earth, I will feel as though a part of me left, as well.
   
   Right now, the thing you have to keep reminding yourself of is this: YOU DID NOTHING WRONG. This is NOT a reflection of you or how well you loved her. This is one of those things that happens on this journey we call life. As you go through this experience, you may not understand why this is happening, but when you come through the experience and you look back on it, you will understand. I believe everything happens for a reason, including this. I don't know what it is, yet, but I know there is one.
   
   You are not alone. We are all here to support you. One day at a time!

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